Grooming can be defined as the training or preparation of someone for a particular purpose.
When examining the tactics that predators use to gain access to children, grooming almost always comes up. This is the case because more often than not, the abuse of a child will come at the hand of an individual that they know rather than a complete stranger. For a predator to accomplish this, they must prepare their target (groom) to be able to accomplish their desired result.
Currently in the entertainment world, Drake – a musician, songwriter, and entertainer – has gained attention by many based on an apparent texting relationship with 14-year-old entertainer Millie Bobby Brown. The entertainment press states that Drake (31) gives Brown advice on boys via text message. Many of our children and/or their friends listen to the music of these entertainers and keep up with them on the internet and social media, therefore “normalizing” a 31-year-old man (who has no familial relationship to Brown) texting a 14-year-old girl (Bryne, 2018).
The entertainment press saw this as a red flag. With a little searching, it appears that Drake has a pattern that is being exposed and this fact has been raised on social media. Drake has a history of this behavior that appears to have started in his mid to late twenties. He previously had a relationship with Bella Harris, who he met when she was 16. Their relationship started when she was 18. He had another relationship with Hailey Baldwin who he dated when she was 18 and met when she was 14.
Although what the press has told us is technically legal, there is most definitely a pattern of a popular entertainer/musician meeting a much younger female who likely is a fan. Drake gives attention to this fan over time, and then when the fan is 18, they are “dating.” Where is the power equity in these relationships? Another question would be, where are the parents? Why is nobody speaking up for these young women?
The answer is likely in one word – grooming.
We are uncertain about the parental involvement in the situations with Drake but grooming often involves the parents of the child that is the target of the predator. This is done to gain trust, gain opportunities for access, and build a favorable impression of the individual seeking access. The parents are often befriended by the predator, so the predator can then have access to the child. The fact that a relationship is formed that is strong enough for parents to trust the predator already has the parents in a state of mind that if an accusation occurs, the parents are more likely to doubt the child. This relationship also is what will drive a child to not report because the child sees that the predator and parents are friends. In fact, only 1 in 10 children report abuse. This may be because the child does not want to disappoint their parents.
If we consider the relationships our children have with other adults, it very much resembles a target. The outer rings are those who the family is acquainted with, but the relationship is not very deep. Then there are friends and distant relatives that your family may spend more time with. These are the people that when you mention going to visit, your children ask who they are. The next ring in on the target is likely your friends and close extended family. Your children’s coaches may fall in this category if they are involved in youth sports. You share more time with your family and these friends and on a more frequent basis. The next ring in are extremely close friends, close family, and parents/grandparents. The center ring on the target are those that live under your roof or have a key to your house and are over 2-3 times a week for more than a few minutes.
As parents or those involved with youth, we should be aware of this and ask ourselves why an individual seeks to cross from one of the rings on the target, into one closer to the center. In our earlier example with Drake, why is a 31-year-old unrelated man sending texts to a fourteen-year-old girl? That is a jump of a few rings on the target by an individual who has a habit of doing so with girls between 14 and 16.
Grooming is a process of traversing the rings on the target described earlier with the intention of normalizing interest in a child with the parents and then the child. Once the predator has built trust through grooming, they then exploit it for their own personal desires and begin abusing often in a gradual process to normalize the abuse, much like their interest in the child and their family was normalized.
Grooming is not easy to spot, but here are a few tips that one can use to go through the process of identifying grooming.
- Is there no good reason that an individual is seeking to move to a more inner ring on your relationships target?
- Why is a child three years older spending a large amount of time with my child?
- Touching your child in front of you.
- Accusing you of being too sensitive if you ask about them touching your child.
- Another adult appears to be more interested in your child than you.
As we raise and care for the children around us, we must look for those awkward moments where things just don’t add up and risk being “socially odd” in the name of safety. Being the good watchman of Ezekiel 33:2-6 does not guarantee one will always be the awesome parent in your kid’s eyes, but it may very well protect them.
Bryne, S. (2018, September 19). 14-year-old Millie Bobby Brown and Drake, 31, text ‘about boys’ and the internet is horrified: ‘This is called grooming’. Retrieved from Yahoo Entertainment: https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/14-year-old-millie-bobby-brown-drake-31-text-boys-internet-horrified-called-grooming-162337845.html