The Grandiose Narcissist

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The grandiose narcissist can be a very dangerous person to have your children around. A narcissist is incapable of reacting appropriately to others pain or discomfort, and a grandiose individual is one who is impressive, larger than life, easily attracting a crowd or following. James Martin in his November 13, 2011 article in americanmagazine.org indicates that research has been done in the Catholic sex abuse scandal indicating that there were two common traits among the priests that had been removed. Why is this concoction so concerning? We are not looking for a shady person hanging around a city park, the more likely scenario is these are people you already know and have access to your children.

If one is paying attention they have seen similar situations on the news. Often after an arrest some reporter will roam a neighborhood getting the opinions of neighbors. Most of the answers the reporter will get is that the person arrested was a great person and that they had no idea, and state that the offender loved children and would never harm a child. Many will mention the individuals volunteer efforts and even express that they don’t believe that the accused was capable of abusing a child. The grandiose narcissist is easily liked and can easily fool others to what they are really about.

It is extremely difficult to identify an individual in a child’s life that has these characteristics. Most coaches, many teachers, ministers, and family members can be viewed as grandiose by a child therefore your child wants to be around them. As a watchman have you noticed any boundaries being crossed in these relationships? A boundary being crossed can be an honest mistake or ignorance, but it can also be a telltale sign that your child is being groomed. When a boundary is crossed check the individual, look into their behaviors. If things begin to appear to be all about them, perhaps contact should be limited or ended.

When those that believe the grandiose persona more than the victim a tremendous injustice to the victim occurs. Often an accused molester will utilize pity as a defense mechanism which feeds his narcissism, but also removes focus from the victim.

Good watchmen will look for the small signs that a predator may be grooming a victim and do what they can to prevent abuse from occurring. In addition, a good watchman will not allow the pity card to be played by an abuser to the point that the voice of the abused falls silent.

Stop seeking perfection

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imperfection

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stop trying to be like the Cleaver’s. Just as Hollywood creates scenes that never exist today, with “Leave It to Beaver” from 1957-1963 the ideal family as depicted by the TV show never existed. The way some people speak today, they believe that families had it so much easier in a different time. The reality is that the same problems existed. Maybe people were better at masking their family flaws because of fewer communication mediums, but the problems were still there. In fact, we have evidence all the way back in Genesis of severe family dysfunction.

In Genesis there are several examples of dysfunction. Adam stood by and watched his wife be deceived. Cain killed his brother Able. Sarah gave her servant, Hagar, to Abraham as a surrogate. Then once Sarah got a child by her servant she abused Hagar as Abraham remained passive throughout the ordeal. Lot reluctantly left Sodom, then his daughters after getting him drunk, had incestuous relations with him. Isaac and Rebecca played favorites with their twin boys. Esau had no discernment and sold his birthright for a bowl of soup. Jacob tricked his father into giving him Esau’s birthright with Rebecca’s help. Later Laban tricked Jacob into marrying Leah after seven years of labor and then after another seven years and marrying Rachael, Laban changed Jacobs wages many times. Ten of Jacob’s sons sold Joseph into slavery for twenty-two years kept the truth from their father. When we look at Genesis the conclusion can be made that dysfunction in families is common, and that God can have great plans for those who come from a dysfunctional family.

The statistics show that more often than not an abuser will come from those you know more often than they would be a complete stranger. So what happens when abuse comes from a sibling or a brother or sister in-law? We can look to Genesis and have a fairly good idea that chaos may be quick to follow. Will sides be taken like they were with Isaac and Rebecca? Will the truth be hidden from someone like it was from Jacob regarding Joseph? It is sad to say but probably so. This is why it is so important for the nuclear family to have good watchmen within it like what can be found in Ezekiel 33:1-6. With watchmen that will speak up when they see trouble and not back down perhaps their children can be spared from abuse, or if abuse has already occurred, then prevent the abuse of others at a later time.

Know the tactics

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A hand moving a chess piece during a game

To fight passivity, we must know what to be aware of what to look out for. Child molesters are master manipulators. Often they also have a group of advocates that surround them as well. These advocates are often very good people who are extremely gullible and are likely too trusting as they won’t verify what they have been told by one who would harm a child. These individuals are the “useful idiots” of a child predator. In order to know what to look for, we need to look for the tactics that the molesters and their advocates use.

One very common tactic used is gaslighting. This tactic gets its name from a 1944 movie “Gaslight” starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. In this movie Boyer’s character attempts to drive Bergman’s character insane. The tactic involves modifying evidence or falsifying information to cause one to doubt his or her own recollection of the story.

Gaslighter’s use:

  • Denial
  • Compartmentalization of data
  • Deflection
  • Invalidation
  • Minimization
  • Blame
  • Depreciation
  • Domination
  • Humiliation
  • Insincerity

Does this sound like something common? Patrick J Kennedy in his book “A Common Struggle” shared some insight to what the late Senator Ted Kennedy, his father and arguably the patriarch of the Kennedy family at that time, had to say when Patrick’s addictions were out of control by his own admission.

“I saw a picture of the car, and I don’t know why they’re making such a a big deal of this. It looked to me like it was only a little fendah bendah.” Patrick Kennedy went on to state, ‘Very old-school. No ‘How are you doing?’ Just “a little fendah bendah” (or, for those not raised in New England, “fender bender”). In fact, that’s pretty much how he suggested I play it with the press and the public.’

Do you see how Ted Kennedy began to frame an event that happened to his adult son? Within a few sentences one can find, denial, minimization, and domination. A narrative was being formulated to put the family as a whole in a good light, but not his son, Patrick’s health. Powerful political families and families down any street in America are professionals at saying nothing.

Saying nothing is passivity in disguise and it is making a mess out of a lot of things including the statistics on child abuse in America today. We must become aware of the tactics that those who would harm our children use or those who would advocate for them. By learning these tactics we become better watchmen.

Passivity Breeds Chaos

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Passivity Breeds Chaos

Passivity breeds chaos. This is a universal truth that we find throughout life in everything around us. A poorly maintained automobile will eventually provide the owner with much frustration, as it becomes less efficient and unreliable requiring replacement way before the same model that had been maintained. A neglected home will require very expensive repairs before one can live in it once again. Relationships suffer from neglect. Look at your marriage, what would your marriage look like if you did not communicate with your spouse but for fifteen minutes every three months for a few years?

Luke 10:30-37 – 30 Jesus replied, “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who stripped him and beat him and departed, leaving him half dead. 31 Now by chance a priest was going down that road, and when he saw him he passed by on the other side. 32 So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was, and when he saw him, he had compassion. 34 He went to him and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he set him on his own animal and brought him to an inn and took care of him. 35 And the next day he took out two denarii[a] and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, ‘Take care of him, and whatever more you spend, I will repay you when I come back.’36 Which of these three, do you think, proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell among the robbers?” 37 He said, “The one who showed him mercy.” And Jesus said to him, “You go, and do likewise.”

Looking at Luke 10:30-37 who caused greater chaos for the man going from Jerusalem to Jericho? The priest and Levite made a decision to be passive in the situation and to not act as they passed on the other side of the road. The Samaritan, the one who chose to take action and be assertive had the most positive impact on the man who was robbed and injured. It is a common battle to fight passivity. Many are lulled into a passive state and do not even know it. This passive state opens these families up to

Genesis 3:1-7 – “Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You[a] shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” 2 And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, 3 but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’” 4 But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. 5 For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” 6 So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise,[b] she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. 7 Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.”

Men have been fighting passivity since the times of Genesis. We can go all the way back to Adam and see a man struggle with passivity. Adam did not step in and tell Eve that they needed to leave as the serpent was tempting her with the fruit. He stood there, watched and listened as she asked about the fruit, picked the fruit up and then took a bite of it. No protest from Adam is recorded in the Genesis account. Through Adam’s inaction sin came into the world. One does not have to have the news on long to see that we live in a fallen world.

Why is it so important to note that passivity is a challenge that men face? In the context of the Ezekiel 33 Project it is critical to understand that to be a good watchman that the luxury of being passive is not an option. Passivity is even described in Ezekiel 33:6.

“But if the watchman sees the sword coming and does not blow the trumpet, so that the people are not warned, and the sword comes and takes any one of them, that person is taken away in his iniquity, but his blood I will require at the watchman’s hand.”

Can one that calls himself a watchman be a watchman at all if they see trouble coming and fail to speak up? What good is the security guard that does not alert others and then attempt to stop a thief from breaking into a warehouse in the middle of the night? Wouldn’t a security guard who did such a thing be considered an accomplice to the crime?

Forgiveness and Trust

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Forgiveness and Trust

Imagine you bought a Corvette about 6 months ago. You bought the Z06. Your favorite color on the exterior and interior, this is your dream car. Since you have owned it for six months you are not quite as protective as you were on day one. A friend of yours that has a questionable driving record asks to borrow your car. You agree after some thought, toss him the keys and you see your friend and your ride roll away. He’s your friend right; you’ve known him for years. A few hours later you get a call from your friend, their voice is shaky. He tells you where your car is and that he is ok. Fifteen minutes later you are driving down a street marked as a 20mph zone and you find your Corvette wrapped around a tree, obviously totaled. Your friend is being checked out by the paramedics but is clearly very lucky. There is no way that he was doing anywhere near 20mph. You are grateful he is alive, and well.

Fast-forward eighteen months. Your Corvette is replaced and in the garage. Your friend and you have kept things together. The awkwardness after the wreck is gone and you are enjoying an afternoon watching the game. Before your friend leaves, he asks to borrow your car.

What do you say? Why? A few weeks later you are called out of town for business. You need someone to take you and pick you up from the airport. Do you call that friend or another? While out of town your wife falls ill and you need someone to pick your child up from school. Can you have a clear conscience and have your friend pick your child up from school to be taken home? Are you concerned about the level of responsibility your friend has behind the wheel?

Now for another situation…

You love to go to the gun range; you often go with your son. There is a friend of yours from work that you know enjoys shooting as well. One day in the break room while speaking with your co-worker, you discover that he plans on going to the range over the weekend as well. You like this person so you coordinate times and plan on meeting him at the range.

The day arrives and your son and you drive to the range. While on the way you have the usual conversations reviewing the rules and safety procedures with your son. You get to the range and check in. You and your son go to the bench and begin setting up. The actions on your rifles are open, demonstrating that the chambers are empty and that the rifle is in a condition incapable of being fired as you continue your setup. Your friend arrives and begins to setup next to you. Having never shot with him before, you observe his safety procedures and notice they are different, but he’s a smart guy right?

About thirty minutes have passed. Your son and you are at the bench shooting. Your friend in the station next to you has brought a couple of rifles. He has decided to put the one he is shooting up on the shelf behind all of you and then shoot the other one that he had brought. You observed that your friend had cleared his rifle before he went to put it up so surely the one he was going to get had been cleared before he had brought it to the range right? As you are lining up for a shot down range yourself, right about the time you apply pressure to the trigger you hear a large boom from behind you. Your son and you jump. The range master calls a cease-fire and comes over to see what happened and if everyone is ok. Your friend is clearly embarrassed and you are thankful that the event was not any worse than what it was. Fortunately your friend was following rule #1 and kept the muzzle pointed in a safe direction, but he clearly hadn’t cleared his rifle before he packed it and he did not lock the bolt back otherwise the round he accidentally fired would have been ejected. Thirdly, your friend allowed his finger in the trigger guard before he was ready to place a shot. Everyone that day was very lucky. Your co-worker was asked to leave given his lack of concern for safety. He later called to apologize, and the two of you are still on good terms at work. However, would you ever go shoot with him again?

Both of these situations represent scenarios where someone obviously did something wrong. Both of these scenarios also represent situations that someone may be forgiven, but complete and total trust is likely shattered. If there are folks that we are uncomfortable allowing our loved ones to ride with in an automobile because of their history behind the wheel, are we unforgiving? Similarly, if there are those that we refuse to be around during certain types of recreation, are we unforgiving?

Is forgiveness really the right question? When dealing with those that have abused children or even your child in the past, is it possible to have forgiven them, but not trust them? Is it possible to have forgiven a friend for a car accident and not want to ride with them, or your family or children to ride in a car with them? Is it possible to be able to share a coffee in the break room with a person that you would never go to a gun range with?

If you have ever gone through a foreclosure or bankruptcy, your debt was forgiven. You no longer have to make a payment to the lender once the process is complete; your debt has been forgiven. Is the financial institution unforgiving or do they lack trust if they refuse to service a loan for you a few years after a bankruptcy or foreclosure? The bank isn’t asking for you to start paying the bills you were unable to pay again you were forgiven of that debt, it is simply refusing to take the risk on you again at that time or maybe ever.

We have a great example that was provided to us by the man after God’s own heart to show us the difference between forgiveness and consequences. When we look at 2 Samuel 12:1-15 where Nathan confronted David about his sin with Bathsheba and the murder of Uriah we see this principle. In verses 5 and 6 Nathan has convicted David to anger and then in verse 7 David understands that he is the one he should be angry with based on his actions. In verse 13 after recognizing his sin David was then told that he was forgiven, but that there would be consequences. David was told that the sword would never leave his house and that the child that David attempted to hide would die. It did not take long for God to make good on is promise the death of the child and David’s mourning for his sin and child is described in verses 15 –  23. In 2 Samuel 13 then describes one of many situations where David’s family began dealing with the sword in David’s house.

Those who side with an abuser will often attack a family that is being the good watchman. The weapon of choice that is used is forgiveness, especially if the family keeping their child from an abuser is a Christian family. Know that although David was forgiven he faced several consequences for his sin. One who abuses a child and is caught must understand that forgiveness is possible while enduring consequences.

Taunts and healthy doses of Matthew 18:23-35 end up leaving parents of victims frustrated and discouraged. If we examine what happens in the text though is the text on forgiveness or is it on trust? In the text the king is settling accounts with his servants. The king was merciful to a servant who owed an impossible sum of money to be repaid. That very servant that was forgiven of an impossible debt pursued a fellow servant for a much smaller debt. The servant who had been forgiven of the massive debt was then jailed for failing to be merciful to his fellow servant. Nowhere in the text is there any mention of the king or servant loaning additional funds therefore extending trust.

Even if somebody abuses your child you need to forgive. This is a process that does not happen overnight. By forgiving you release yourself from the bitterness that can eat you up inside. This is also a process that one must guide their child through when the time is right. Forgiveness can happen with or without the offender present. The act of forgiving an offender is more for you than them.

When dealing with the abuse of your child, do not be discouraged by those that align with the one who is an abuser. When Matthew 18:23-35 is used as a weapon, remind yourself of those that you’d never ride in a car with, or do any other activity with. Do you lack forgiveness or do you lack trust? Do not let your guard down because you are afraid of the barbs thrown by those who confuse trust and forgiveness. Your instincts as a watchman are correct. Remember, be the good watchman.

Be the Sheriff in your family

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Be the Sheriff sheriff-star-badge

A few weekends back we had a lazy Saturday. After getting some exercise in the morning the goal was to do absolutely nothing. This was refreshing after some long weeks. On this day of laziness while switching through channels we found “Jaws” on a channel, it was at the beginning so we figured why not watch. As we watched I was struck by the internal struggles in the first half of the movie. The first half of “Jaws” is much like what can happen among family or friends should your child be molested. The key relationships to focus on are the mayor and the sheriff. The mayor represents the “bad watchman” and the sheriff represents the “good watchman” found in Ezekiel 33.

The predator

In the movie, the predator was a great white shark that was terrorizing Amity island. The shark was deceptive unsuspecting swimmers and boaters would be struck from below and then overtaken by the predator. The people on Amity Island were willing to be in the water. They either had no idea of the danger in the water, or thought that what had happened was a one-time incident. If we compare child sexual predators, what is different? Children are surprised from a situation that they believed was peaceful and calm and then find them in a situation that is anything but peaceful. Naïve parents friends or family think ‘the water’s fine’ and will allow their children around those who have had problems in the past. Just as in the movie, the water may be anything but fine.

The mayor

The mayor of Amity Island was more concerned with the image of the island and more concerned with what the tourists thought of “his” island. Even though most people in the room could see there was a significant problem, and the mayor could too, he would not admit to or agree to resolve the problem until the public outcry was too great and he had to go along or lose face. The mayor of your family or friendship is the one who always seeks to keep the family or group together regardless of obvious danger. The thought of conflict or separation is something that they cannot handle. They will demand that nothing is wrong or that nothing severe enough occurred until far too many people get hurt.

The sheriff

The sheriff in the movie was a new hire from the New York City police department. Given the transition he thought his job would be less stressful than New York City, the last thing he imagined was that he would have a summer where he had to deal with many deaths. Immediately after the first attack the sheriff declared the cause of death a shark attack. He immediately wanted to close the beaches after and protect the public. Instead, the mayor got in the way and insisted on the beaches remaining open. It took three more attacks before the sheriff would be listened to.

Although situations regarding your family or friends may mirror the cast of characters in “Jaws”, you must remember, you are the sheriff. Unlike the movie, the mayor has no power over you. In the movie, the mayor could have removed the sheriff from the situation. In your situation the sheriff has the power to remove the mayor from the situation. You have the power to “close the beach”, or cut off contact with those who have harmed others or your children previously without getting approval from the mayor.

If you have a situation in your life where you are dealing with a predator, or a mayor that lacks perspective, or both, we hope that you will be the good watchman as you assume the role of sheriff and do right thing for your children.

The Molesters Toolbox – Opportunity

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opportunity

Any normal parent would not plan on providing opportunity for a child predator. However when the tools of a molester are put into play it is very possible that a parent could be deceived, or let their guard down and become apathetic because of familiarity. Don’t believe that you are not capable of providing opportunity, the statistics show that you do.

Opportunity: a set of circumstances that makes it possible to do something.

As parents we must be aware that there are those who are seeking opportunities to do a child harm. As the watchmen of our families, we must not provide the opportunity for the children in our care to be harmed.

I Peter 5:8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

Opportunity is something that a predator will create. Almost everything in their world is built to create deniability or sympathy. A predator will often be the person that many often feel sorry for. This is a state that is manufactured to be a defense mechanism by playing on others sympathy. Or, if the person genuinely does have a difficult life for whatever reason, they will use their situation as a way to escape prosecution. This technique is especially effective when the predator knows the victim, thus the predator knows or is family with the parents of the victim. We have all seen the news stories with neighbors, co-workers, and family members in disbelief when being interviewed on the arrest of a “pillar of the community”, “patriarch of the family”, or “anchor within the congregation”. This is by design. This is exactly how the average predator has had anywhere from fifty to one hundred fifty victims before being caught depending on the offenders preferences.

As watchmen we must be like the Men of Issachar found in I Chronicles 12:32. The men of Issachar were ‘aware of the times’. We must be aware of the threats to our families and take the appropriate action to eliminate opportunities for our children to be harmed. As parents we must examine the reason why some might have access to our children. Then there should be a very small list of individuals that are allowed access to your children unsupervised. Any individual who is able to have access to your child either supervised or unsupervised must always display integrity and transparency.

Opportunity is something that a predator will create through dishonesty. Has anyone in your circle of friends or family been caught in a lie yet continued to try to convince you that the lie was truth? Has anyone in that same group ever kept anything from you that as a parent you wish you would have known and thought that they would have known to tell you? These types of situations can end up being character flaws. At the very least you should consider the level of access that they have to your children. If they get a significant amount of access, perhaps the level of access that they have should be reduced. Just because someone is known to be less than truthful does not mean that they will molest or allow the molestation of your child. It does however bring into question if you will get the truth regarding what happened with your child while in their care. Since deception is one of the tools in the molester’s toolbox, and deception can create opportunity, every person with access to your child must display incredible integrity.

Opportunity can also be created through a parent’s apathy. A parent that is not diligent when their family is incapable of telling the truth creates opportunity. There are many ways that a parent can inadvertently create opportunity for a predator. Parents can be too loyal to their own parents, in-laws or siblings. Parents can also be too loyal to their church thus being apathetic towards their children. This is not an anti church or anti Christian statement, but rather a call for parents to use their own brain rather than the collective thinking of others who are not responsible for your children. (I Tim 5:8) Opportunity is access. Opportunity is time and place with your child. Opportunity is a situation that does not “sound” bad or compromising. Opportunity is a parent not doing their homework, not asking the difficult questions. Opportunity is what is used by those who would want to do your children harm. Be the good watchman.