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Removing Privilege

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With only 12 more weeks to go until the conclusion of this degree program I can say that the class I’m currently in has tremendous application for the Ezekiel 33 Project. I’m taking a class on conflict management as my elective that I need for my particular degree program. It is very different taking a class from the communications department rather than the business department, but the benefit is real. I planned to take this class as I knew it would have application well beyond my A job.

In the news as of late is the exposure of the Southern Baptist Convention by the Houston Chronicle and San Antonio Express-News. Sadly, this story is not different at all from the stories that we have read about previously. Pastor arrives at one location and abuses children. Then the Pastor is moved as a result of their actions and more survivors are created by not only those abusing the children, but also by those who covered the issue up. Many of the survivors were urged to be forgiving of their offender.  It is sad to say that it is the same pattern that we have been witnessing may likely have to endure for a while.

A quote from Dr. Brene Brown states that, “Opting out of speaking out is the definition of privilege.” Think about that quote for a second. Choosing not to speak up when one sees something wrong happening is to reject the individual in need and approval of the “right” for an offender to do what they are doing. James 4:17 calls us to be different by reminding us that if we know the right thing to do and do not do it, we are in the wrong, we are committing a sin by our silence.

Our failure to expose abuse is in other words approval of the abuse. If one approves of abuse, then they reject the one who has endured the abuse. Rejection is the opposite of affiliation, and rejection causes the same parts of the brain to be engaged that would be engaged if one experienced physical pain. When we fail to believe or reject those who state they have been abused we are causing them great pain. This pain that is experienced is why we must be survivor friendly, particularly churches. A survivor friendly church does not cover up but exposes. A survivor friendly church has policies where a survivor can see efforts made to include them and make them feel safe. A church that becomes survivor friendly will have become a more comfortable church home to at least 20% of its membership and becomes more attractive to 20% of the population based on statistics.

We are social creatures and we crave acceptance and belonging. We also have a savior that is not unfamiliar with rejection and abuse. Think about this for a moment, God allowed man to physically abuse His Son so that man might be saved by His Son. While on the cross, Christ called out “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” as he took on the sin of the world. Sure, he felt physical pain of the nails and crown of thorns, but more text is given to his crying out to God as he felt rejection. God knows about abuse, he was there as his son was whipped and beaten. Jesus knows about rejection, he experienced it as he bore the sins of mankind on the cross.

The problem of abuse that we face is not unique to any particular group. Nobody is immune. Any way that a politician might possibly want to divide us will yield the same statistics. The statistics are stable across race, religion, region, and economics. Because of this fact we have an obligation to expose abuse when it occurs and provide a caring environment that endured the abuse. In doing so we eliminate the privilege that many hide behind and we become the good watchman as outlined in Ezekiel 33:2-6.

We are worse than we think we are.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vhCoz__x-E&index=2&list=UUaLZUxr0tjwxH1nMsMhlc9A

Recently, I was able to read the book, Predators Pedophiles, Rapists, & Other Sex Offenders by Anna Salter Ph.D. This was an interesting read given that I had never read any of her material before, yet some of my conclusions and her conclusions are similar if not the same.

A key takeaway that stood out to me is the ability of an individual to have a higher view of their abilities than they truly have and how that translates to our efforts to keep those around us safe. Furthermore, Dr. Salter’s findings on deception, who is good at detecting it, and their ages was chilling. Our organizations, especially our churches have got to get away from DIY abuse mitigation. The stakes are too high and the probability of getting it wrong is large with potentially eternal consequences.

The Ezekiel 33 Project will be at the Tru Ministry Conference in Oklahoma City on August 23-24, 2019. More detailed information to come soon, but this will be an exciting conference not like many others. We’d love to see you there.

Grooming, what is it, and what does it look like

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Grooming can be defined as the training or preparation of someone for a particular purpose.

When examining the tactics that predators use to gain access to children, grooming almost always comes up. This is the case because more often than not, the abuse of a child will come at the hand of an individual that they know rather than a complete stranger. For a predator to accomplish this, they must prepare their target (groom) to be able to accomplish their desired result.

Currently in the entertainment world, Drake – a musician, songwriter, and entertainer – has gained attention by many based on an apparent texting relationship with 14-year-old entertainer Millie Bobby Brown. The entertainment press states that Drake (31) gives Brown advice on boys via text message. Many of our children and/or their friends listen to the music of these entertainers and keep up with them on the internet and social media, therefore “normalizing” a 31-year-old man (who has no familial relationship to Brown) texting a 14-year-old girl (Bryne, 2018).

The entertainment press saw this as a red flag. With a little searching, it appears that Drake has a pattern that is being exposed and this fact has been raised on social media. Drake has a history of this behavior that appears to have started in his mid to late twenties. He previously had a relationship with Bella Harris, who he met when she was 16. Their relationship started when she was 18. He had another relationship with Hailey Baldwin who he dated when she was 18 and met when she was 14.

Although what the press has told us is technically legal, there is most definitely a pattern of a popular entertainer/musician meeting a much younger female who likely is a fan. Drake gives attention to this fan over time, and then when the fan is 18, they are “dating.” Where is the power equity in these relationships? Another question would be, where are the parents? Why is nobody speaking up for these young women?

The answer is likely in one word – grooming.

We are uncertain about the parental involvement in the situations with Drake but grooming often involves the parents of the child that is the target of the predator. This is done to gain trust, gain opportunities for access, and build a favorable impression of the individual seeking access. The parents are often befriended by the predator, so the predator can then have access to the child. The fact that a relationship is formed that is strong enough for parents to trust the predator already has the parents in a state of mind that if an accusation occurs, the parents are more likely to doubt the child. This relationship also is what will drive a child to not report because the child sees that the predator and parents are friends. In fact, only 1 in 10 children report abuse. This may be because the child does not want to disappoint their parents.

If we consider the relationships our children have with other adults, it very much resembles a target. The outer rings are those who the family is acquainted with, but the relationship is not very deep. Then there are friends and distant relatives that your family may spend more time with. These are the people that when you mention going to visit, your children ask who they are. The next ring in on the target is likely your friends and close extended family. Your children’s coaches may fall in this category if they are involved in youth sports. You share more time with your family and these friends and on a more frequent basis. The next ring in are extremely close friends, close family, and parents/grandparents. The center ring on the target are those that live under your roof or have a key to your house and are over 2-3 times a week for more than a few minutes.

As parents or those involved with youth, we should be aware of this and ask ourselves why an individual seeks to cross from one of the rings on the target, into one closer to the center. In our earlier example with Drake, why is a 31-year-old unrelated man sending texts to a fourteen-year-old girl? That is a jump of a few rings on the target by an individual who has a habit of doing so with girls between 14 and 16.

Grooming is a process of traversing the rings on the target described earlier with the intention of normalizing interest in a child with the parents and then the child. Once the predator has built trust through grooming, they then exploit it for their own personal desires and begin abusing often in a gradual process to normalize the abuse, much like their interest in the child and their family was normalized.

Grooming is not easy to spot, but here are a few tips that one can use to go through the process of identifying grooming.

  1. Is there no good reason that an individual is seeking to move to a more inner ring on your relationships target?
  2. Why is a child three years older spending a large amount of time with my child?
  3. Touching your child in front of you.
  4. Accusing you of being too sensitive if you ask about them touching your child.
  5. Another adult appears to be more interested in your child than you.

As we raise and care for the children around us, we must look for those awkward moments where things just don’t add up and risk being “socially odd” in the name of safety. Being the good watchman of Ezekiel 33:2-6 does not guarantee one will always be the awesome parent in your kid’s eyes, but it may very well protect them.

 

Bryne, S. (2018, September 19). 14-year-old Millie Bobby Brown and Drake, 31, text ‘about boys’ and the internet is horrified: ‘This is called grooming’. Retrieved from Yahoo Entertainment: https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/14-year-old-millie-bobby-brown-drake-31-text-boys-internet-horrified-called-grooming-162337845.html

 

Exciting news

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Good morning! Today there is some exciting news to share. Previously it has been shared that I have been in school which has limited the volume of posts. Time is a precious resource, but in less than a year I will be done, and hopefully will have learned some things that will help the Ezekiel 33 Project to help many more than it does today in its current form. At the same time, my family does not want this work to suffer due to distraction. For this there is an answer.

I do not know specifically when I met Kristy, however over the past year our families have become more acquainted and along the way we have discovered similar interests. Kristy is a mom of two in the North Texas area and is passionate about the safety of her family as well as others. She is very physically active, a runner, and active in the Camp Gladiator community. Kristy is a skilled and talented writer and provides written communication pieces and administrative assistance for nonprofit organizations through her consultancy. Finally, Kristy is a survivor. Through her skills and personal experiences, Kristy will bring a point of view that has not been present in past blog posts because of the different perspectives that she can see in an issue.  Kristy, welcome.

When forgiveness is not so scripted, it becomes real

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Forgiveness – to cease to feel resentment against

It is a curious thing that when there is a death in a family or church there are steps that are often discussed. They are commonly known as the five stages of grief.

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

When child sexual abuse happens within a family or within a church, there appears to be only one step in the process, forgiveness. This forgiveness that is often touted comes from those who were not present at the abuse yet feel that they are qualified to tell a survivor how they should feel, how they should cope, and what reasonable boundaries are. These are also the ones who feel qualified to state when the survivor is being too hard on the one that offended them.

Very often there is little time allowed to process what happened, understand the legal ramifications, and go through the same grieving process that one would go through as if there were a death. After all, what happened was the death of a relationship as it once was. It will never be the same again.

Often those who are demanding forgiveness and bypassing the process are in one of two camps.

  1. The offender
  2. The offender’s flying monkeys

The offender wants the grieving process to be bypassed because they realize they have been caught and they want to move on so in many cases they can continue abusing in the future. This scrutiny is uncomfortable for them they want to move away from the discomfort. This avoidance of discomfort is ironic given the discomfort they were willing to put another human being through. The pleas for forgiveness are more an apology for being caught rather than repentance. If they can coax an “I forgive you” from a survivor, then it becomes exponentially more difficult for the survivor to have their abuser prosecuted. They forgave them after all, and the abuser knows this. It is why they rush to forgiveness.

The offender’s flying monkeys. These are individuals who have a relationship with the offender that can be genuine, or they could be used by the offender to deflect accusation or gain access to others. The flying monkeys are the individuals beyond the offender who apply social pressure to just forgive and move on. Again, bypassing the healing process for the survivor.

If  we find ourselves in church or family situations where we are just wanting an individual to forgive and let go, we are denying them the grieving process for something that was traumatic to them. This process is something that happens on their timeline. Who are we or who is an abuser to set the timeline by which they are forgiven and furthermore brought back into the good graces of the one they offended. It is pretty arrogant to think an individual who abuses another can set the terms and conditions of the forgiveness of their offense.

If we are jumping to forgiveness prior to law enforcement becoming involved, we are not on the side of the abused. If we jump to forgiveness before counseling has occurred, we are not on the side of the abused. If we jump to forgiveness before the victim/survivor sets and defines their boundaries, we are not on the side of the abused. If we are criticizing the boundaries a victim/survivor sets, we are not on the side of the abused.

It seems apparent that in our culture that the way we have handled things in the past created a mess. Rushing to forgiveness was a part of that problem. Perhaps we should try dealing with this a different way as we work to clean up the mess. Real forgiveness can come after the survivor has dealt with the baggage they were left with, and knowing that consequences have been administered with healthy boundaries that are respected set by the survivor.

It has been a while. Going back to school has taken a toll on my ability to write frequently. I’m working on some solutions to this. I hope to have some exciting news soon.

This past weekend my family and I visited the Oklahoma City Memorial, with family in Oklahoma it was not our first trip, it was however our first trip when our youngest would understand more about the events of April 19, 1995. While there on an office building wall, that is now the museum, and across from the survivor tree, the following words grabbed my whole family’s attention. “Team 5 4-19-95 We search for the truth We seek justice The courts require it The victims cry for it And God demands it!” These words were written by a team who had been searching through rubble looking for survivors from the blast that destroyed the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building next door.

The devastation is not as public and does not get the wall to wall news coverage that such an act like the Oklahoma City bombing received, but to those affected, the impact is the equivalent of a bomb going off in a survivor’s life. Unless you have been living under a rock, the news has been full of the accounts of those who have been abused. The unfortunate fact is that if child molestation got the coverage that other terrorist acts receive at the first accusation, so many more would be aware, and perhaps we would be farther along the way to more prevention. The reality is, we don’t have many good watchmen but rather bad watchmen that don’t sound the alarm.

Unfortunately, families and churches are notorious for covering the events up, and worse yet, victim shaming survivors to the point that they no longer desire to come forward. As survivors seek justice, they are hindered. The courts still require justice through the offense being reported although so many efforts to cover up are made. Those victims who wish to turn in the one who offended cry out for justice, and yes God demands it. The quote painted on the wall across from the survivor tree seemed rather fitting.

The survivor tree… this elm tree was shown in multiple photographs surrounded by burning cars and rubble and chaos following the attack on the Murrah building. Many did not know what would happen to it, but it survived, and now it thrives. It is likely one of the most cared for elm trees in the U.S. A beautiful testament to standing up to adversity this tree provides and incredible amount of shade to those visiting it. Survivors may not know why things have or are happening the way that they are, but like the survivor tree they once again can thrive after abuse with the proper self-care. When put in a positive environment, survivors of abuse often rise above and can provide relief to those struggling in the heat of the battle of dealing with abuse. They understand what others being abused are going through and for their need to not feel like the only one.

I do not wish to take anything away from the Oklahoma City Memorial and what it honors, reminds, and reflects on. There was a different lens used on this trip to the memorial, and the reminder that evil, no matter how public or private its manifestation, has a very similar reaction by those dealing with the aftermath. Where these two events depart is when justice becomes involved. There was a very public outcry of individuals that wanted Timothy McVeigh to pay the ultimate price for his act of terror. However, in situations of child sexual abuse, very often the parents of the child are asked to keep calm, forgive, and to be reasonable prior to being able to process what happened to their family. Once the child reaches a certain age, they are then asked to forgive as well. The forgiveness that is asked for from parents and children alike is not a healthy release of no longer wishing ill and keeping a safe physical and psychological distance. The forgiveness that is asked, or often demanded is the unrealistic, let’s behave like we did before all of this happened. This is often done because the individual committing the abuse was known to you and your child before the abuse occurred.

So many parallels can be drawn between the Oklahoma City bombing and acts of abuse carried out on our children. It is unfortunate that our dealing with the aftermath, what some families must go through as they establish new boundaries along where the debris of broken relationships lie. Sometimes being a good watchman goes beyond working to identify patterns and prevent the abuse of your child, often it is navigating to physical and psychological safety after abuse.

 

 

Minimization

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One common technique that we see abusers and their flying monkeys use is minimization. These are the people who in the face of inconvertible evidence will state that whatever the abuser did, “It was not that bad”, “a mistake”, “the first time anything like that ever happened”. This is used to rush to normalcy and to avoid far more difficult and ugly conversations.

This is not new. I Corinthians 5:1-8 outlines something similar, not outright abuse, but rather the behavior that many youth organizations, churches and families will employ. Very often forgiveness is the very first thing that is offered before the depths of an individual’s depravity are known, before the other survivors come forward. When they do often their voice is silenced because the group has already “moved on” and the offender is already forgiven.

Not so fast. Let’s take a look at I Corinthians 5:1-2 again. Paul is not praising the Corinthians for their forgiveness. He is excoriating them for their tolerance! Today when an organization tolerates like the Corinthian church did, they go beyond what hardened criminals in our prison system will tolerate. In our correctional system sexual offenders are placed in specific populations for their safety. However, in our organizations, families, and churches we celebrate our “forgiveness” of such a person and invite them in the presence of those that are similar to or the very ones that they have offended previously. This is backwards.

This is not to say that the blood of Christ cannot cover the sins of those who repent of sexual offenses committed against children. That repentance must be a full reckoning of their deeds, independently verified if they have been incarcerated. They must understand that their crime involves a tremendous amount of deception if they are unwilling to truthfully disclose their deeds, it is likely a ruse and attempt to regain access to other individuals. Then special measures can be taken to ensure the spiritual growth of the individual, but it should not involve unfettered access as it did previously.

As we observe the #meetoo, #churchtoo, #familytoo events going on in our society today there are many attempts by those accused to minimize and move on. Unfortunately, many of these minimize to move on and offend again. What is truly going on is a request for tolerance that does not even occur in the U.S. prison system. We must be far more mindful of the degree to which offenders will use their craft of deception even when apparently caught. We need to be the good watchmen.